I hate you. I really do. You bring back childhood horrors of things that you knew were going to get you teased but you were powerless to stop. (Like that chicken dress my mother made me wear in kindergarten! Damn it!) You are so wrong. So very wrong. You know you are not where you are supposed to be. But unlike a sheep that can be merely shepherded back to the flock, YOU are standing your ground. And now that we’re on standing your ground, let’s discuss one other thing that’s so freaking offensive about you. Are you serious?! I mean for God’s sake, in a world where people are losing hair (that they are supposed to have) left and right, here you come…totally unwelcome, totally out-of-place and totally mortifying. And you sneaky bastard, you were growing for months before I even found you! And WHY?! Because YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!
And you’re like WIRE! You couldn’t do me the courtesy of being soft and pale. OH NO! You rage in like a random child of the brillo family. Of course even a Brillo child can be worn out over time. But not you. Oh never. You are the Energizer bunny of hairs. Congratulations! You can’t be killed. You just keep coming back.
And let’s talk about the moment where we get caught by someone (in my case, my husband!) in the throes of murdering you. Inevitably there’s something like, “Ew! What are you doing?” And get real, since we are in the most compromising of positions with tweezers in hand, mid attack, what are we supposed to say??? “Nothing” Sure. That will end their curiosity. Great cover story there.
Anyway, I hate you. I hate all of your kind. Your are the plight of the aged. You are the epitome of shame in front of friends and loved ones. You make us feel ugly. SHAME on you. Die. Die. DIE I tell you. How does it feel to know that thanks to you, I had to update my “If I win the lottery, I”m gonna…” list. That’s right. LASER HAIR REMOVAL. Six magic numbers or a really outstanding Groupon and your ass is mine!